Falling for someone who loves you more

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A while back, I happened to catch part of CTV’s THE SOCIAL. The female hosts were discussing their younger years, and how obsessed they were with the guys they were into. Cynthia pointed out that as a teenager, she definitely liked the guys more than they liked her. She sat around waiting for the phone to ring, wondering what to wear to impress. Lainey stated that she was the exact same way, and looking back on her earlier self, she’s embarrassed by who she once was.

Interestingly, both Cynthia and Lainey state that the men they married love them more. For Cynthia, finally having the attention of a man who chased her was exciting. It made her feel and desired. Lainey was unabashed in her claim that her husband loves her more and makes a point of telling people so.

There was a general discussion about teenage being susceptible to obsessing over the loves in their lives, almost to the point of distraction. Lainey aptly described it as “losing yourself” and she’s absolutely right. I, too, can remember the excitement of falling for my first love. The anticipation of when I was going to see him, the disappointment when I didn’t hear from him as often as I hoped. Perhaps because girls often fantasize about that perfect guy from the time we’re playing with dolls, we fall more intensely at an earlier age. But I certainly knew of more of my female friends obsessing over relationships than I did my male friends when I was younger (and even now some haven’t changed!).

 The whole idea of losing yourself in someone led to the suggestion that one should always choose a partner who loves them more. Of course, this isn’t a new concept, and it’s certainly an idea that makes sense. When your partner loves you more, you’re less likely to get hurt. You can feel relatively confident that your partner will want to work things out. The person who loves you more will perhaps even be more romantic and make sure to let you know you’re appreciated.

But let’s face it. If your partner loves you more, then he or she is the one getting the “short end of the stick.” He or she will possibly face the various insecurities that you don’t want to experience. And as my daughter said to me when I broached this topic with her, “But that’s unfair to the other person.”

I’m certain that Cynthia and Lainey appreciate their partners, and they make their husbands feel special and treasured. But I can’t help agreeing with my daughter. The idea that one person should love the other one more bothers me on a fundamental level. Shouldn’t passionate love be mutual?

Perhaps it’s the romance writer in me, but I wouldn’t want my partner to love me more than I loved him. I’d want us to both be passionately in love with each other, and totally secure in that love. I’d want us both to be able to look across a crowded room and see each other and feel that same spark of desire. I wouldn’t want one to feel that spark and the other not to.

I’d want mutual passion. Mutual affection. Mutual vulnerability. The idea that one person loves the other more tells me that one person in the relationship isn’t totally emotionally vulnerable. And vulnerability is what truly brings two people close to the highest degree. At least in my opinion.

 I have no problem with someone wanting a partner to love them more—if what that means is that you want someone who doesn’t shy away from expressing his or her love for you, doesn’t fail to make you feel special, and never takes you for granted. And if your partner is going to do those things for you and give you that level of security, shouldn’t you want to return the favour?

Because the romantic in me believes that love is always best when two people fully let go and let themselves fall.


Kayla Perrin is an internationally acclaimed, award-winning USA Today and Essence best-selling author, with 46 books in print. Perrin is best described as passionate, fearless, motivated and self-driven to excel at whatever she pursues.

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